the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
