Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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