I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
