I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
