I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
