Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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