Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
