Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
