For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
