be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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