I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
