Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
