I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
