don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Randomize
