I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
