We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
