just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I use my feet as sexual weapons
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
