is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
