I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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