Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
