so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
