cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
