I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
