Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
