I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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