I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
