You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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