how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
