pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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