make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize