remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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