You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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