I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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