Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
