Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
