Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
