I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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