i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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