The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
