hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
