There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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