You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
