when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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