took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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