A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Randomize
