I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
