The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
not ubering you a puppy
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Randomize
