I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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