why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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