it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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