70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
