What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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