I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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