you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
