There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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