It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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