I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
