It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
