Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
