Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
