His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Randomize
