Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Randomize
