I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
